Funny English Essays

Okay, these are some old funny English essays.  Even though they probably aren't real, it's very entertaining imagining that they are.  They used to be in pretty good circulation, but I haven't seen them anywhere for a while.  So I decided to put up all the originals on aswembar's space.  They are classic internet humor, so enjoy.  This page probably won't be going away for awhile.







Okay, for the benefit of the search engines, I'm going to type out the text.  That way, maybe it'll be easy to find these things again.


Essay 1

El Nino is spanish.  It is the spanish word for child.  Like all things spanish, it is dangerous.  It kills people and burns down trees.  This child is more than a child.  It really isn't a child at all.  It is a storm.  A deadly storm that kills people and burns down trees.

Warm water usually builds up around australia.  But not anymore with el nino.  El Nino moves the warm water from australia to somehwere else, namely to other places.  Where are these other places?  These are places that also have water, but water that is usually not as warm as the warm water El Nino moves to these said other places.  These other places are to the east.  Of water.

In Peru, they have many names for many things.  One of the things they have neames for is for people who go fishing, go fishing to make a living. If we had a word for this kind of people that word would be "fisherman".  But we don't.  In Peru, they have different names for things than we do in America.  They call that kind of people "pescadores".  That's SPanish.  That's what they speal in Peru.  When El Nino comes, these "pescadores" can't catch any fish.  El Nino is caused when the Peruvia gods get angry.  They have been angry for millions of years and have made El Nino for millions of years.  Many many moons ago, the Peruvians committed human sacrifice to satiate theur gods and end the flood that was caused by El Nino.  In today's modern dog-eat-dog work-a-day would of scientists, diplomates, McSalad Shakers, and George Bush Jr., we no longer have access to such solutions.  We are too proud.  We will not commit human sacrifices. We refuse to satiate the Peruvian gods.  This, they remain angry and keep killing us and burning down our trees with El Nino.

Instead of satiating the gods, many of these "scientists" have tried to control El Nino with "science".  They put up expensive fish-attracting-bueys that run on flashlight batteries.  Imagine, fighting the power of the gods with flashlight batteries!  Needless to say, this didn't work and everyone died.


Essay 2

Lightning!!

What is lightning?  Where does it come from?  What does it mean?  Does it have a meaning?  Where does it come from?  What is it made of?  Is it made of light?  Some might say it was made of light.  Others contend that lightning is made of fire.  People used to think that lightning was made of fire.  Fire in the sky.  Fire that killed people and knocked down trees.  Before Benjamin Franklin.  Benjamin Franklin was a founding dather.  He fatherly founded that lightning is made of electricity.  Electricity in the sky.

But what of the Greek myths, of the Greek god Zeus and of the popular image of Zeus - a Greek God - throwing down lightning bolts to kill people and knock down trees.  Where did he find the time?  And what of lightning being made of fire?  In this workaday world in the era of the founding father Benjamin Franklin we have no time nor patience for such concerns.  These are for the third world and schizophrenics.

Some people do not understand that lightning is destructive.  They ignore the wisdom of their elders and of the founding father Benjamin Franklin.  They think lightning is a lie perpetrated by people with a vested interest.  At their own peril!!!  Lightning kills people and knocks down trees!!!  It a power of destruction exercised by the Greek god Zeus, the mightiest of Greek gods!!  But they do it: they ignore such wisdom and taunt the powerful exercise of destruction and they worship their idle gods and stand near trees.  At their own peril!!  Lightning has the killing power to kill people and the destructive power to knock down trees!  When you stand near trees, they will be knocked down by lightning and you will be killed by lightning!  There is no escape.  Lightning will knock down the tree and knock down your soul.  Trees are tall.

Many things are tall.  Many things attract lightning.  But do the two correlate?  A recent study says yes.  It says that being tall and attracting lightning do correlate.  That means that being tall corellates with being struck by lihgtning.  You die when you are struck by lightning, and your tree is knocked down.

Some people try to measure lightning, they take measurements of it.  They use balloons and rockets and their imagination and determination and research money and they put it all in the mixing bowl and they mix in storms - storms with lightning - and so they mix in the lightning and then they get the product if they're lucky of measurements about lightning from the storm?  What kind of measurements?  We may never know ...


Essay 3

I chose Walt Whitman for my biography report because Mr. Farlow said that if I wasn't going to take this class seriously and pick a real poet I might as well not come to class anymore.  Walt Whitman was an awful child molester who was born in ancient Hong Kong.  He is over 3,000 years old and remembers the names of all the forgotten Gods.

Walt Whitman is 90 stories tall, and his adventures are legendary.  With his blue ox, Emily Dickenson, Walt Whitman traveled across young America and helped the nation greow into the angry powerhouse it is today.  He dropped his mighty axe, forming the Grand Canyon; the apple cores he would spit from his mighty mouth planted apple treees all acoess the country; and the stomp of his mighty boot caused the stock market to crash.  He and his friend, Huck Finn, traveled down the Mississippi river and freed the slaves.  Walt Whitman believed that the only good Chinaman was a dead Chinaman, so he went to Tiananmen Square and gave them all candy.  Except instead of candy he killed them.

Walt Whitman's might seem like a real cool guy, but in reality he's a whiny.  His Livejournal, which he doesn't think anyone knows about is full of whiny goth poetry.  His Current Mood is always "Apathetic" and his music is always some obscure punk band that no one has ever heard of.  SOme people who pretended to be his friend so they could get access to his "friends only" posts grabbed some of poetry and made a book from them, and called it "Ode to Faggotry." When tehy found out other goth kids would actually read it, they changed the name to "Leaves of Grass" and it sold like gothcakes.  Walt Whitman to this day doesn't know they're selling his poems andmaking a fortune off him.  They still don't invite him to any parties though, because no one likes him.

Walt Whitman died a lonely man in Walt Disney Land.  He was on the gondola ride, and he fell out because he wasn't fastened properly to the restraint.  Thanks to his dumb, now none of us can ride it anymore.  Thanks a lot Walt Whitman.